The closer we are to each other, the more we influence the behavior and perception of loved ones, forcing them to do as we want. And we ourselves get into the same traps. But is it always bad to influence others? And how to protect yourself if you need it?
Each person has a button. Vanity! Greed! Ambition!” – this phrase of the villain of Istana performed by Vladimir Basov from the children’s film” Adventures of Electronics “became winged not by chance. She exactly describes the main meaning of manipulation. But psychologists have expanded the list of “buttons” and added fear, guilt and shame. On them we-purposefully or unconsciously-click whenever we want to get something from others against their will. The better we know a person, the more accurately the hit.
But is it really manipulation – an indispensable companion of communication? It seems so. “You can build the most open relationship, but even in them it will not be possible to completely get rid of manipulations,” says Irina Gross, a clinical psychologist, transactive analysis specialist. – They appear in the little things, their “degree” is different. Sometimes we do not notice how we make others play by our rules. And sometimes the game is selected consciously and becomes a life script. We are well aware of all the buttons of loved ones and sometimes love to press them, causing strong and often painful emotions. “.
For mom, for dad
Since childhood, we get lessons of manipulative communication. In kindergartens, schools, at home, at an unexpected moment, educators, nannies, teachers, parents, grandparents, and we obediently follow their instructions,. A rare child is able to resist this. “A few years ago, I read a book about the techniques of effective communications for work and decided to apply them in education,” admits 42-year-old Ella. -once asked her three-year-old son: “You will be porridge or cottage cheese?”This technique is called” choice without choice “, it is often used in sales. To which the son replied: “I will be pasta”. I was shocked by his resistance and fidelity to myself and no longer experimented with my relatives. “. But this story is rather an exception to the rules. More often we, as a sponge, absorb family manipulations, easily use proven techniques ourselves and continue to succumb to it when someone behaves with us in a similar way.
“Eat a spoon for mom, spoon by dad” is a familiar situation? “The child has eaten, his body says: I’m fed up. But how to offend your favorite relatives, especially when they mention significant adults? -explains the psychologist-consultant on dependent relations, coach NLP Dmitry Yushchenko. – He learns to be guided not by his feelings and desires, but by the opinion of others. Then someone the main one in the yard will say: “Pill or drink”. And he is already used not to believe his own body and mind “.
In childhood, we are manipulated to one degree or another, Irina Gross is convinced. “You are the best, you should always delight us, bring five. We are not for you, but you are for us, ”37-year-old hope has learned such a parental message, securing the script of the“ good girl ”and trying to be perfect in everything. She continues to delight others, choosing men who value only a beautiful facade, and not allowing themselves to be sad, showing weakness or fatigue. Meeting with such a man, she falls on the network of parental manipulation, which “says”: “You want to be loved – be perfect”.
Another trick that parents often use: “You want to go to your grandmother? You love her?”” Two controversial messages are transmitted here simultaneously, – Dmitry Yushchenko explains. – proposal to make a free choice and directive indication of the right decision related to the basic value of the child. That is, choose, but correctly “.
The wife meets her husband at the set table, with a smile. She was waiting for him, preparing. He ate, praised her cooking, she is happy – and after dinner he immediately dives into the computer. She frowns her eyebrows, offended. What he does? It turns out from behind the computer, hugs it, kisses it. “It turns out that when she feels good, he gives her a negative reinforcement, turning away from her. When badly – positive reinforcements, hugging it, ”the psychologist concludes. The wife unconsciously manipulates her husband, but her husband, also unconsciously, supports her in this. And how to behave to the grandson in the first example and husband – in the second, in order to follow his desires and at the same time not to experience resentment, shame or guilt, it is incomprehensible.
Break or build?
We always feel bad if we were forced to do something against the will. Manipulation does not allow us to be ourselves, violates self -identification and integrity. “Can no one can wash the dishes? Why am I doing everything alone in the house?” – also a phrase familiar to many families. As a rule, one who feels more guilty than others is sent to the sink. “Sometimes we cannot accurately determine what exactly happened wrong. But this is an unpleasant feeling that resembles a jelly or fog, always remains after manipulation, ”explains Irina Gross,“ because at this moment we are controlled by not a conscious choice, but shame, wine or fear ”. After all, you could say to my husband and children: “Help me, please, wash the dishes”. Or agree and distribute responsibilities in the family: one cooks, the other sets on the table, the third removes after dinner. But often we do not know other methods of communication, and this one brought with us from our primary families.